regrets

It just hit me. I’m 24 years old, I haven’t done any real software engineering, I wasted the past 2 years of my life trying to build something I can’t even stand being near anymore, my classmates’ careers are shooting off and they’re exactly where we wanted to be about now, my family hates me, I have no friends, and I can’t look at myself in the mirror for the things I’ve done.

I have nothing but regrets in my pocket and nothing to look forward to. Perfect, isn’t it?

This is probably the last post I write in here, I’ll be moving to another blogging service provider. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

another brain dump

It’s one of those days when I have a huge urge to talk and yet there’s nothing to say nor anybody to talk to. It’s annoying that I went through my phone book and I didn’t find anybody I want to or can call. I guess it doesn’t make me sad anymore in fact not a lot of things can really make me sad now, I’m mostly numb to everything. I’m having financial/professional problems which would have put me right into depression for days if I had them two or 3 years ago but now I’m just numb. I won’t make rent this month probably and yet I’m refusing to commit to any projects. I’ve come to like saying the two most magnificent words in the universe “Fuck it”, I don’t care about the money and I’m not worried about the job.

Looking the other way
The other day I was at the mall with my brother and I walked by someone I know, it seemed like she noticed me but turned the other way to skip saying hi. God I love it when people do this, if I could just skip all the small talks and the chit chats I would be a lot happier. Don’t get me wrong I love this woman and I would have been a little bit sad if she really did that if only I’m not so relieved that I didn’t have to stop for a minute and do the usual crappy “Hi, how are you, what are you doing here, this is person X, person X this is person Y, it was nice seeing you, catch you later, bye!”. If there’s a T-shirt with “Please ignore me and walk away” written on it I’d wear that all the time and pray that people would follow the instructions on the shirt.

Plans and expectations
couple of days ago I had to sit through one of my boss’s rants about life which are usually interesting by the way. He kept talking about one’s expectations in life, plans, and how do we reflect on them after a certain age. I guess I won’t have a problem when I’m 35 and looking back at my life, I don’t have a plan nor do I have big expectations of life. Maybe it’s because of the depressed persona I maintain that I always look at the empty half of the glass and I keep reminding myself that most people die without ever doing what they wanted. Or maybe because the thing I want the most is to do at least one good thing for humanity before I die (I know, I sound like an enthusiastic freshman at college) so I think this doesn’t have to be done before I’m 35, right? I guess I’ll never know till I’m actually 35.

Jealousy
It’s not good, I can tell you that. Like everybody else I wanted so many things before and like many people I didn’t get everything I wanted but I just never hung on to anything, I could always just drop it and move on. Money, work, education, achievements, etc…. I can’t remember a single time that I cursed, felt angry, or hated someone because I didn’t get what I wanted there. Now I realize how jealousy can eat you up. This guy doesn’t deserve to be treated with this kind of disrespect just because I’m jealous. I guess I need to work harder on not mixing my feelings with how I treat people around me and I don’t wanna get to a confrontation where I have to explain to someone why….

Looking in the mirror
I hated looking at him because of how he reminds me of who I really am. I think if you look in the mirror long enough you’ll either break it or just accept it. I don’t find the idea of being around him as horrifying as it was when we first met. That means I’ve come to accept the image in the mirror. I won’t like it but I can deal with it.

you know what, it’s getting late. I’ll finish this blog post with the best advice one can give, Always remember the two most wise words in the world “Fuck it”. It’s beautiful. Fuck it.

Good night.

ملعونة تلك الذاكره

كلما ذهبت إلى منزلي مشيا بعد أن ينتصف الليل أنظر لهذه السماء أملا في رؤية أثر نجمة واحده و تبوء محاولاتي دائما بالفشل. لا أدري لماذا يتضاعف شعوري بالوحدة و أنا في الطريق، و كلما ازدادت وحدتي ازداد اشتياقي، و كلما ازداد اشتياقي يسهب عقلي في وصفك بأبيات أردت كتابتها. سبحان الله، عقل بلا أي موهبة، حتى ذاكرته متآكلة. لا تأتيه الكلمات إلا عند ذكرك. و كلما وددت أن أكتب قصيدة عصماء في وصف عينيك ينساها هذا العقل اللعين قبل أن أصل لآخر الطريق. كل الكلمات تبدوا مبتذلة حين أحاول تذكرها، هل وصفت نظراتك كطلقات من لؤلؤ أسود أطلقت من بندقية من عقيق يمني؟ هل رأيت في بسم ثغرك الكوكب الدري؟ كلها كلمات منقوصه أو ربما هي مجرد كلمات غير كافيه. ملعونة تلك البيئة التي أحافظ عليها بعدم حمل الورقة و القلم. كم كانوا محظوظين أجدادي، عاثوا في الأرض فسادا و اليوم علينا نحن إحيائها، أليست هذه قسمة ضيزى؟

ملعونة وحدة الطريق، ملعونة البيئه، و ملعونة تلك الذاكره.

February, I still hate you.

“It takes a long time but suddenly when you remember what day it is, you stop to realize that it’s still a painful memory.. but it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to do“

That was me talking randomly in front of a poor co-worker today who as usual called me crazy and left when she realized I wasn’t really talking to her nor wanted her to understand what I’m saying, I was just as usual thinking out loud.

I still hate February. I guess that’s not gonna change. I don’t know where I am right now, Don’t know if you would be happy or sad with how I feel. It could be better I know, what I also don’t know is if it will actually get any better soon or at least go back to normal.

Rest in peace.

the freak

Just face it, you’ll always be a freak no matter how much time goes by. No matter how hard you try to hide it. No matter how many times did it make you cry. You will always be a freak. Always.

Hey god, how’s it going?

Some people never fail to piss me off. It’s a gift I guess. When someone comes to me to talk about how depressed he is and how bad his life is it’s absolutely fine, we all do that. But when you ask him what does he want, ladies and gentlemen the ultimate answer to life, the universe, and everything is: Rabena yerda 3ani!!!

Seriously dude, I liked you more when you were pumped up with Alcohol and talking to animals when you’re wasted.

Something about religion drives people insane. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Muslim and I’ve been trying to practice a lot more lately. But some people are just weird about it. If something is wrong with your life, change it. If you can’t, whine about it and keep trying to change it, that’s fine too. But to say “that’s it, I’m done. All I want is to be accepted by god”. Okay, and how are you gonna know about this? god is gonna text you saying “I love you dude, keep it up”?

Why can’t we just keep religion away from our lives and act responsibly? Don’t wait for god to do something for you, do it yourself. I once blamed god for all my misery but then I realized well maybe god didn’t do any of it, maybe he’s not “letting” anything happen, maybe shit happens and it’s my job to fix it.

So you want hope, you wanna get yourself to believe that god is watching over and he’s gonna fix it all somehow if you pray. Excuse my French but fuck you. I bet that all of the 1000 people Israel killed last week reached out for god with their last breath and guess what? they all died!

Shit happens, if god wants shit to happen it will happen. If god wants good things to happen they will happen. The problem is, how do you know that god did/didn’t do this? there’s no way in hell you can tell.

I believe in God, I believe in heaven and hell, I believe that on judgment day a certain person I’ll never forget will go to hell because god is fair. But god is not gonna patch things up for you or me on this earth. We have to do it ourselves.

series finale

For some reason, I feel that those days are like a lousy ending to a really good TV show. Well, at least I had two good seasons.

I wish I’m wrong.

a little glimpse of hope

So I’ve been in a bad mood lately. November haven’t been that good to me this year but today I woke up to an SMS from my cousin saying “today I have become the proud father of Noor ya boody”. My Cousin’s wife gave birth today to their first child. I’m not that close to my family but my cousin is one of my best friends. We grew up together and he’s more than a brother to me.

I haven’t been around lately and I hardly see him or make the effort to stay in touch. Part of it because he knows me too well and he would know that there’s something wrong with me and I just don’t wanna talk about it. I recall now the nights we used to hang out together, our fishing trips, the religious experience (I got out of it while he’s unfortunately still religious), And most importantly when he told me that he’s finally found “the one”. I remember we were having dinner and he was so excited when he was telling about her. Two years went by so fast, they’re now married and they had their first child today.

I’m starting to like December, I’m not an optimistic person but I’m happy and hopeful right now. I have to admit that I’ve been disappointed almost every time I picked up the phone in the past 3 weeks to see who’s calling. That’s the first time I didn’t get disappointed when I read the SMS.

Now I gotta go pick a fight over the name, I recommended Noor a month ago and he didn’t like it, I have to go reclaim my right as the first person who suggested the name.

Downgrading to an old version of me

People around me have been complaining about my behavior for the past two weeks. I find myself slipping into an old version of me. The problem is that all the people I have to deal with everyday didn’t know me 3 years ago, some knew me for some time and confused my silence when they first met me with shyness (yeah right!). Everybody is expecting me to be nice to them and try to make them laugh like I always do. Sometimes I try to do it but mostly I really don’t give a fuck about their day, how they’re feeling, or how low their self-esteem is. I don’t wanna pretend that their jokes are funny, pretend that they’re making my life easier with their extraordinary work, or even listen to them argue over work. My boss said that I’ve become “edgy” these days. Maybe he’s right, when you say to your boss “can you just shut up and listen” in front of other employees then maybe you’re a little bit edgy.

I can’t explain to people why am I being like that. I’m tired, depressed, and angry. But frankly I don’t care to explain. Again, I don’t give a fuck what they think of me or if they wanna be around me or not anymore. To be honest I really don’t want them to be around me anymore, if everybody could just mind their own fucking business it would be great.

I still care about some people of course, I’ll be lying if I said that I don’t care 100% about everybody. But even the ones I still care about, I’m out of energy to be nice to them.

You’re supposed to develop your character, move forward with time. Is it normal to move backwards? Not to mention move back to something you really hated and you still hate. I use the word hate a lot but to tell the truth I never really meant it except when I said that I hate myself. Even when I said that I hated the people who hurt me the most, I didn’t really mean it. This is actually a part of why I don’t like to be around some people for too long, because they remind me of, well.. Me, looking at them is like looking in the mirror and my god I hate looking in the mirror.

It won’t last for long, soon I’ll be moving to a new place. I don’t know when or where but I know that I have to start looking. Hopefully somewhere far away from everything and everybody.

Good night.

Fucked up November

It sure has not been a sweet November, more like a seriously fucked up month. People are going crazy including me, for some reason it’s honesty and revelations month, lost one of my closest friends if not my best friend, Fights with the family continue to emerge out of no where, And now I’ll most likely be forced to start job hunting which is the last thing I wanna do right now. Sometimes you go through a fucked up day and you realize around the middle of it that this day is not gonna get any better and the only way to stop it from getting even worse is to go to bed and don’t get out till the next morning. Well this November has been like one of those days only on a bigger more fucked up scale. I just hope that December would be slightly better.